Shame Epidemic
I find shame and guilt are a common thread among many people I work with. It can lead to stress, depression and addiction. Shame and guilt can make us feel like we are not good enough, that we have let ourselves or others down, and that we are unable to overcome our mistakes.
We use shame as a way to make sense of why things don’t feel good. The problem is that sometimes we just need to accept that something doesn’t feel good.
It’s uncomfortable to admit to someone we care about that we’ve made a mistake. It would be best to confront the mistake and commit to try not to let it happen again. But instead we analyze ‘why did I make this mistake?’, or ‘What is wrong with me that I could make that mistake?’
Shame vs Guilt
This is how we confuse guilt and shame. It’s normal to feel guilty when you make a mistake or hurt someone else. Guilt is the feeling that reminds you to apologize and repair and try to learn from the mistake.
However, taking the leap to shame is too far. When we make it about what is wrong with me, and what are my flaws as a person, then there is less to learn from that. This becomes an unchangeable part of our identity of shame.
In a way, we like shame because it seems to make sense and give an explanation. It’s like anger in that way, a secondary emotion. However, shame can also be incredibly destructive and damaging.